A Recipe for When a Friend Breaks Your Heart
for finding healing, and baking some cookies along the way
We don’t talk about friendship breakups nearly enough. I honestly can’t think of a single movie in which best friends breakup and they stay broken up. It’s either the friendships weren’t real in the first place (Katy and the Plastics in Mean Girls) or the friends fought but worked it out on the remix (Molly and Amy in Booksmart). If you have any recommendations for accurate depictions of permanent friend breakups in the media, please send them my way, because for nearly a year, I’ve been processing a monumental backstabbing without a relatable movie on my side.
Luckily, I have not had to go through it completely alone.
went through her own friend breakup around the same time I did last year, and it’s honestly been a godsend to have someone understand and relate to how I’m feeling as time and big milestones pass. My mind has been a complicated mess of emotions for the past year. On one hand, there’s a sense of freedom because upon deeper reflection, this person was actually never a good friend. On the other hand, we spent eight years as close friends, a significant amount of time to devote to a person all for it to come crashing down in a whirlpool of hurt, anger, and grief.There doesn’t seem to be a guidebook on how to navigate a friend breakup. Obviously, each friend breakup is unique and complex, and healing journeys vastly differ for each person. Still, I wish there was something, anything, to guide me. What the hell I’m supposed to do when a person who was in my life for 8 years suddenly no longer is. How do you process a death when the person is still very much alive? How do you grieve a betrayal?
As someone who often turns to a sweet treat as a mood pick-me-up, I decided to create a recipe for when a friend breaks your heart. This guide is not the end all, be all, but it’s a list of what has brought me some comfort over the past year, and if you are experiencing something similar, I hope it brings some levity to your life.
Step one: preheat your oven:
You need to get your rage out. Even if you don’t think you have any rage, it’s likely bubbling under the surface. It’s okay to feel angry, but holding onto it for too long will only hold you back on your healing journey. Release any pent-up feelings you may be harboring. And if you’re not mad? Make yourself mad. It’s better to let out all that anger in one fell swoop, rather than bury it down deep and accidentally release your rage on an unsuspecting person. Find a powerful song that makes you feel like you’re big tough shit and blast the volume. I did this while driving down the highway with my windows rolled down and scream-sang along to Regret Me by Daisy Jones and the Six (not your typical rage song for sure, but it felt good, and I don’t care they’re a fictional band, I will always be obsessed with them, sue me).
Once you’ve worked yourself up into a tizzy, let it go. Scream, dance, cry, go for a run (not my vibe, but I hear it works for some people), punch your pillow — whatever you need to do to release those feelings of white hot rage. Take a few deep breaths to steady your breathing and calm your heart. My favorite breathing technique is alternate nostril breathing. If you’re unfamiliar, start by plugging one nostril closed with your thumb. Inhale through the open nostril for an 8 count (if that feels too long for you, try for a count of 4). Hold for a few seconds while you plug the other nostril close with a finger and release your thumb. Exhale through the newly opened nostril for an 8 count. Then repeat by inhaling through that same nostril, holding, and exhaling through the first open nostril. Hopefully that makes sense, I’ve never tried to explain it in writing!
Step two: sift the flour:
It’s time to examine the friendship. Now that you’ve released your anger, you can reflect on your relationship with this person. As I mentioned, I realized this person wasn’t actually a good friend through most of our relationship. It was a difficult discovery to process, but it helped me come to better terms with the breakup. Make a list (it’s okay if it’s just in your head) of reasons why the friendship ended. This can be helpful in different ways. For me, it made me aware of all the passes I gave, and how I don’t want to be such a doormat in other friendships. It also allowed me to pinpoint where certain hang-ups I have come from.
For example, this ex-friend of mine would often make a comment when I’d get up to use the restroom while we were out for dinner. If it was early on in the meal, it was often, “wow already, you just got here,” or if it was later, the remark would be, “you made it so long, I’m proud of you.” After so many years of this, without even realizing, I would constantly be thinking about when would be the appropriate time to use the restroom at a restaurant, even when I was dining with a different friend. This is something I’m trying to work through, but it’s helpful to realize not only the root cause, but that I’m even having this internal dilemma.
Step three: melt the butter:
Let’s take a moment to relax. We’ve worked ourselves up into a rage and we’ve nitpicked the relationship, so now let’s calm down. Make it a priority to do a relaxing activity after you’ve had a deep emotional reaction to something. This is something I try to be mindful to do even outside this particular friend breakup. It allows your parasympathetic nervous system to activate which helps you rest. Only you know what you find relaxing, but if you need some suggestions to maybe mix things up, here are some relaxing activities I like to do:
go for a walk (bonus points if you listen to your favorite playlist, podcast, or an audiobook)
take a hot shower or bath (bonus points for using a new body scrub)
lie on the floor and put your legs up against the wall (bonus points if you listen to a meditation)
do a mindless activity such as coloring or gem painting (bonus points if you listen to your favorite playlist, podcast, or an audiobook)
When all else fails, you can dissociate and scroll on your phone. I’m sure most of us want to spend less time on our phones, but if you’re in a high state of anxiety or upset, sometimes it’s okay to zone out for a bit and try taking your mind off things.
Step four: crack and separate the eggs
Don’t worry, I’m not talking about actual eggs. Not in this economy! For this step in the healing process, it’s time to open yourself up, crack your shell, and let your emotional yolk run. Write the ex-friend a letter. You can do this by hand or on the computer, heck even your notes app will do. Write down everything you want to say to this person but can’t. Write how they wronged you, how they made you feel, write it all down. If it helps, go back to step one and tap into that rage again while you’re writing (just make sure to melt some butter afterwards and take care of yourself).
The next part is up to you. If you want, you can send this letter to your ex-friend. Find some closure and get it out of your system. If you’re too nervous to send the letter or you simply can’t because you don’t know how to reach them anymore, it’s still a helpful release. If you typed up the letter, but aren’t sending it, I recommend printing it out and perhaps burn the letter (safely!) or rip it up into little pieces. Do something cathartic that will allow you to release these lingering thoughts you have for this person.
Then you must separate yourself from them. Delete their number, block them on social media, do whatever you need to remove them from your life. If you think there’s a chance for reconciliation in the future, maybe block their number rather than deleting it, but for your own mental health right now, remove them from your life. It does you no good to keep holding onto the “what if.” I know this can be hard, but you’ll thank yourself later once the temptation to reach out to this person is no longer there.
Step five: pour in the oil
Okay, by this point, we’re probably feeling very emotional right now. We just wrote a closure letter, we’ve removed them from our life, we are fragile. And that’s okay! As the great philosopher Lorelai Gilmore once said, “you need to wallow.” Take this time to feel your emotions. Again, it’s all about the release. Put on that episode of Grey’s Anatomy that always makes you cry, hide under the covers with the saddest movie, or cry in the shower to that one song.
If you’re not typically a crier, you can still release any sad emotions you may be holding inside. Are you an angry/ sad person? Go back to step one and rage. Do you tend to just feel numb? Then lie in your bed and stare at the ceiling. Do whatever you need to let out those sad feelings (and feel free to do it with a tub of ice cream too).
Step six: add a pinch of salt
This is me giving you permission that it’s okay to be a little petty. You are allowed to hold a grudge or gossip about your ex-friend with other friends in your life. After all, we’re only human! You don’t have to try to be morally superior and never speak an ill word about this person. They wronged you after all! I believe a little bit of pettiness keeps you going, and for the early stages of your friend heartbreak, you’re going to dissect the same points a hundred ways. And that’s okay!! I don’t know about you, but there’s something so delectable about gossiping over chips and salsa and a strong margarita, and I’m not going to feel embarrassed about that! Stay salty, my friends!
Step seven: pour in the sugar
After all, we do need to balance out that salt. This is a fun step! Do something that makes you head-over-heels happy. Treat. Yo. Self. (Yes, I am rewatching Parks and Rec, thank you for asking!) Buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel amazing, go on a weekend getaway with your girls, take yourself out to dinner. Whatever will make your heart sing, do it. It’s okay if you want to splurge a little (don’t go off the rails with spending, but a little bit of retail therapy can go a long way). If materialism doesn’t make you happy, do something that will. Create, sing, write! I don’t care what you do as long as you enjoy yourself.
After you do something that makes you happy, don’t stop! You don’t have to keep doing the same one thing that made you happy (especially if it involved spending money), but keep finding things that bring you joy. In fact, I want you to write down a list of 10 things to do that make you happy. Then, any time you feel like you’re stuck in step one or step five, you can pick something off your list and feel a little happier. Here is my list of 10 ways to create happiness
Go out for ice cream
Play or snuggle with Rosie (my sweet baby angel dog)
Buy a new book
Watch an episode of Gilmore Girls
Play a Nancy Drew Game or Animal Crossing
Work on a craft project
Make a playlist
Cook a nice dinner
Laugh with my sister
Record a podcast episode with Joy
Step eight: add the baking powder
Remember when I said it was okay to be petty? That’s still true, but it’s also time for you to rise above and be the bigger person. By all means, hold that grudge, but don’t let it take over your life. You’re not going to do yourself any favors if you never let the bad feelings go. Now don’t get me wrong, this won’t happen instantaneously (see future step twelve), but now it’s time to start working on rising above.
Hopefully with your closure letter, you were able to (at least partially) close the chapter on your friendship. And while we can recognize how difficult and painful that is, you also get to experience the beauty of starting a new chapter! Is there a new project you’ve been wanting to start? Now is the time! Do you have a new friendship budding? Tend to it! A friendship breakup creates space in your life, but that doesn’t always mean that has to be a bad thing.
Step nine: add in some vanilla
When we think of vanilla, we think of coziness and comfort. Take some time to bring coziness into your life. We raged in anger, we cried in sadness, we brought in happiness, we’ve been petty, we’ve risen above, that can feel overwhelming. So whether you need to go back to step 3 and melt some butter or do a cozy activity, I think it’s important to slow down and add a little comfort in your life. Not to plug my own podcast, but I do have a cozy podcast if you’re looking for some cozy recommendations (just saying).
Step ten: add in chocolate chips
The chocolate chips are your other friends. We cannot get through this life without friendships. Whether this ex friend was a best friend, your sole friend, you must now prioritize other friendships. Going through a friend breakup with other friends by your side makes it so much easier. Take a moment to be grateful for those other friendships and make sure they know how grateful you are for them! They’ve stood by you for a good reason, so be sure to appreciate that fact.
I do think it’s important to go back to step two and do a pulse check on your other friendships. If you did anything that led to the big friend breakup, make sure you’re not doing the same thing with your other friends. If you think you are, have an honest conversation with them. Check to see how they feel about the situation and if there’s anything you can do to fix things while they’re still in your life.
Give your friends a big hug (that already will make you feel better) and make sure they know how much you love them!
Step eleven: mix things up
This step might sound a little scary, especially if you are a creature of habit, but there is healing in trying something new. I wrote about being brave and trying the tinned fish (spoiler alert, it’s more than just the fish), if you need some encouragement to find bravery. We talked about a new chapter in step eight, but now is really when that begins to take shape. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but you’ve held yourself back. And if you don’t know what that is just yet, that’s okay! Part of the healing process is reminding yourself how special you are and that includes how brave you are too.
Step twelve: bake until golden brown
The recipe for when a friend breaks your heart does not have a timeline. It’s not as simple as following a recipe for chocolate chip cookies and within half an hour, you have a fresh batch of warm, gooey cookies, unfortunately. Not to be cliché, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. Healing a broken heart is a process, and you can take all the time you need. It’s also not a linear process. You may not be the kind of person to start with preheating your oven. You may need to wallow in your oil first. You could be in the middle of mixing things up and suddenly need to melt your butter. All that matters is you are putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of yourself.
I mentioned at the beginning that I experienced my friend breakup almost a year ago, but that doesn’t mean I’m all healed now. I’ve completed every step on this list, and all of it has helped, but I’m still hurt. It’s true that the only thing that can really mend a broken heart is time, so let yourself cook. It will get easier.
Step thirteen: enjoy
Time may be the only thing that heals a broken heart, but you know what certainly helps? Baking chocolate chip cookies! This is your sign to bake cookies and really savor them. I promise, you’ll feel better.
More cheers, less fears,
Larisa